I skipped a few entries and I reached the one that read: PBXK - July 1988

 

SEAN – July 1989

I swallowed hard. This one I still felt guilty about. Sean is Janie’s dad.

 

I have returned home for the first time in four years. My parents were delighted to see me, but I could sense that neither of them, especially my dad has forgiven me for breaking my word and not coming home after a year in Europe. How could I explain it to them, though? They would never understand. Their honeymoon in Mexico and mom’s second one in Italy with George was the peak of sophistication as far as they were concerned. To completely abandon ones entire family and friends only to live out of a suitcase and be a stranger wherever one went was beyond their comprehension.

 

They enjoyed my tales of old towns and cities in England and Greece, small villages in Scotland and Ireland and my mom even found Morocco to be more than just a hellhole on the map; still, I don’t believe I quite persuaded them of the intoxication one experiences when one leaves a small, oppressive, ‘friendly’ town and heads out into the big wide world.

 

They also failed to understand how I could have returned to the States and heading for Chicago, enrolling in college there rather than somewhere closer to home. As far as they are concerned, we’re talking about another hellhole on the map.

 

They have been taking turns keeping their eyes on me for the past three days, after which I was finally able to make a phone call without their suspicious glances following me, as if I was just about to dash out of the house never to return.

 

I knew Janie’s mom had passed away about a year after I left, and occasional letters that I received from my friends in Europe have told me that things in everybody’s lives were changing very rapidly. A few months away from home I began feeling like I couldn’t catch up anymore, things have been different for all of us. I never called any of my friends in four years, occasionally mailing a postcard, just so that they would know I was still thinking of them. I don’t believe they knew quite how often they all crossed my mind.

 

On the third day after I returned home, I finally gathered enough courage to call Janie, somewhat surprised, but pleased that the phone number had not changed. My mom told me that after her mother’s death, Janie and her father have finally moved to a new house, which had been a plan when we were still in high school.

 

“Hey!” was all I said and Janie screamed in delight. It felt good to be remembered so well.

 

She was so happy I called. What? I was at home? Oh my god, now she was really happy! She doesn’t have time to talk; she is on her way out the door as we speak. She is sitting for an exam, a really hard one, so she shouldn’t be late. Yeah, college is a drag, but it’s not all that bad really. She should be back in the afternoon. I absolutely have to come and we’ll go out and find other girls. But she’ll be back at four and do I know where she lives now? Yeah, I should come by exactly at four and we’ll hang out. And by the way, she’s pissed at me for not keeping in touch, but she’s very happy I called!

 

The avalanche of words seized as I hung up, memories of the past slowly creeping into my head. We had some good times together. I was glad I was about to see her again.

 

I made a few more calls to my old friends, but just like Janie, most of them were at colleges or their summer jobs and I didn’t get to talk to anyone else. The time seemed to slow down that day and I found myself antsy with anticipation of meeting my best friend again.

 

She showed me around her new home, which is absolutely amazing. Her dad, an architect, has decorated the entire place himself and the effect is astonishing. Unbelievable colors on the walls, furniture of unconventional shapes and sizes, abstract paintings, bowls of fruit, flowers and plants everywhere – her home looks like something out of a magazine. I have to admit I felt a bit envious at one point. Then, I remembered which town this beautiful home is in and my envy evaporated. No matter how stunning the house, I wouldn’t want to live here again.

 

As I sat in Janie’s bedroom, watching TV while she was taking a shower I was startled by a sudden appearance of her dad in the door. I didn’t hear him enter the house; his steps drowned by the running water in the attached bathroom and the TV sounds.

 

“Hello!” I said and he smiled. Still the same Mr. Davey I remembered. No grayness to be seen in his dirty blond hair, tall and sporty, his eyes full of mischief. When we were kids, Janie’s dad was the most fun of all our parents. He was always late bringing everybody home after soccer practices, having taken us to the local ice-cream parlor. He always cheered the loudest at our games, laughed the hardest at our jokes and tales of childish escapades.   He dressed the coolest and listened to the same music as we did, never minding the loud volume, which would have made any other parent delicately point out that the neighbors will complain and would we please turn it down. Still the same, handsome Janie’s dad. I have always suspected most of her friends, including myself, have had a secret crush on him. Of course, we couldn’t discuss something like that in her presence. Danielle and I have had a few heart-to-heart talks, though.

 

“Well, I’ll be damned.” He said and walked into the bedroom. “Nikkie?”

 

“Yes,” I smiled and he approached me, offering his hand in greeting.

 

“When did you come back?” he asked and sat down on the bed next to me, very predictably smelling of the most intoxicating cologne a man could find.

 

We chatted for a while and I found myself staring into his eyes, trying to see him as Janie’s dad, a guy who used to make sure I only got chocolate ice cream, no sprinkles or nuts, exactly as I liked it.

 

“You look good, Nikkie.” He said and my thoughts of him being my friend’s dad went out the window.

 

“You do, too, Mr. Davey.” I said and returned a top to bottom stare that he had just given me, nodding my head. I couldn’t believe I just did a little flirt.

 

“Oh, please. Sean, just call me Sean.”

 

The water in the bathroom stopped running and we could hear banging of the shower door as Janie was coming out to dry herself off.

 

“I’m in here, Janie!” yelled Sean towards the bathroom. “So, come out decent.”

 

Just before Janie re-entered the room, her dad got up and walked to the desk beneath the window, leaning against it, smiling at his daughter as she came into view. He asked her about her exam and she told him that we were just about to go out and meet with other girls. He insisted that he would fix us a quick dinner first; he was starving and did not want to eat alone.

 

I felt sorry for him. Janie’s parents always seemed to get along so well, his wife’s death must have been devastating. I didn’t remember Janie mentioning him having a girlfriend, but then, we didn’t get that far yet.

 

Janie rolled her eyes and with an air of great drama agreed.

 

“And while you’re drying your hair and getting ready, Nikkie here will come with me and help me, won’t you Nik?”

 

My heart skipped a beat and I looked at Janie. “Yeah, you might as well. He’s always making me help.” Said Janie with a pretence annoyance. “You better be careful to cube and dice all vegetables the same size, or you’ll be in trouble. You know how those architects can get.” She giggled and her dad waved her finger at her.

 

When I entered the kitchen, I found myself in every woman’s heaven . Everything in it was ocean blue. The walls, cabinets and the wooden floor were all the same shade of blue. Even the refrigerator was painted blue. Pans were hanging off the huge rack above the island in the middle of the kitchen, with its sides covered in tiles of various blues.

 

“Wow!” was all I could say. “You sure know your business, Mr. Davey.”

 

“Sean, call me Sean.” He nodded towards the pantry. “Get some veggies, would you, please?”

 

As I was cutting up carrots and lettuce, I plunged into deep thought and for a moment forgot where I was. Then I looked up and found Sean staring at me intently, his hands frozen in midair as he was reaching for one of the pans.

 

We stared at each other and I could not look away. I felt heat slowly rising in my face. Did I just catch Janie’s dad checking me out? Did he catch me checking him out a little while ago when he was bending over the chair to pick up a knife that he accidentally dropped? His body was certainly worthy of a second look.

 

The sound of Janie’s footsteps brought us back from a moment that shouldn’t have happened and she joined us, happily chatting without noticing that anything out of the ordinary occurred. I stole a few glances towards Sean and more than once I found him looking back at me.

 

I was flattered, but I also felt mortified. What was I doing? I had been away for so long and the first thing I do when I come home is flirt with my friend’s father.

 

Dinner passed in relaxed conversation, with Sean asking me about Europe and Chicago and Janie about her exams. Janie filled me in on what has been happening to our friends, of course, only things that were appropriate to mention in front of her dad. I was certain the really dirty stuff will come out in the car or later on in the club that we were going hit.

 

After dinner, Sean was having a glass of wine with Janie and me dutifully sipping on soda. He half slumped in the chair as if to get more comfortable, and while stretching his legs foot touched mine. I felt like I had just been electrocuted. I jumped in my seat and quickly apologized for what was not even my fault. “Sorry, my feet are all over the place.”

 

I looked at Sean and found him staring squarely at me, almost oblivious that his daughter was sharing the table with us. The touch was obviously no accident. I turned towards Janie and with great relief realized that she had been looking around for something on the counter, unaware of yet another intimate moment between her father and I. “Don’t be a stranger, Nikkie.” Said Sean as we were leaving and I smiled shyly.

 

We spent the night in the club, drinking heavily like we weren’t allowed to do in Janie’s house, gossiping and just having good time. My thoughts, however, kept returning to Sean, to his intense stares, to his touch and I felt flabbergasted by my reaction to it all. I decided I wouldn’t go to Janie’s house again. I only had another week at home, staying away from there wouldn’t be that hard.

 

Janie worked the following afternoon, trying to save money for the holiday, which was coming up in a couple of weeks.

 

That day I went to the local library to pick up some books for my mom and on my way back had taken a detour, finding myself in front of Janie’s house, noticing that her dad’s car was in the driveway. I paused by the row of neat, low bushes, uncertain if I had enough courage walk up and ring a bell.

 

My dilemma was solved when the front door opened and Sean stood there, waving at me. He was saying something that I couldn’t understand. With the legs as heavy as led, I walked up the path towards the house.

 

“Hello, Nikkie!” he smiled. He seemed to appear more handsome every time I saw him.

 

“Hi.” Was all I could say, I was afraid my voice would tremble if I attempted to say anything more.

 

“Janie is not here.” He said and I simply nodded. The moment of awkward silence settled between us, and without another word he stepped inside the house, holding the door open for me to follow. I did.

 

We walked into the kitchen and he reached into the funky blue fridge, bringing out a bottle of white wine. “Share some?” he asked and I nodded, still unable to speak. “Grab a couple of glasses.” He pointed towards the glass cabinet next to me and walked out. I did as he said and followed quickly. I wasn’t sure where he’d go and I didn’t want to play hide and seek.

 

I found him waiting in the hall and he nodded towards the archway opening with no door, which lead to a spartanly decorated white room, almost every piece of furniture covered with drawings and blueprints, obviously his own work.

 

“My study.” he said. “I like to take a break in the afternoon and have a glass of wine or go for a walk. It clears my head enough to be able to keep going until Janie comes home.”

 

I felt sorry for him. His life obviously completely evolves around his daughter and from what she told me, she was leaving home in a year to try her own luck in the world. What will he do without her?

 

Sean removed a few huge sheets of see-through paper from the desk and motioned for me to put the glasses down, handing me a bottle. While I was pouring, ever so careful not to spill anything on the desk or any of his drawings, he also cleared the papers and books off a kidney shaped couch with no backrest.   

 

I turned around to hand him wine and found him sitting on the couch as if in a saddle, one leg on each side. He accepted the offered glass and patted the seat in front of him. “Come, join me.”

 

With wobbly knees and barely enough strength to take two steps, I did. We sat there for a few minutes in complete silence, sipping the wine and savoring its sweet taste.

 

I would not want to be as presumptuous as to claim I knew for certain what was in his mind but I could pretty much tell that his thoughts were the same as mine. He was so handsome, so kind and he showed a genuine interest in me, I wanted to do more than just sit around and drink. I believed he was struggling with the same.

 

“Why are you here?” he broke the silence, startling me. I shrugged my shoulders as if I had no answer to that, avoiding his eyes, suddenly frightened that I might have figured this whole situation completely wrong. To make a fool of oneself in front of a stranger is one thing, to do so in front of my friend’s dad, that was a whole different ballgame.

 

“You don’t know?” he asked and I finally gathered the courage to look into his eyes. He held the glass of wine between his legs, slowly tipping it from side to side, his gaze sternly holding mine.

 

I leaned towards him, offering my face, my lips almost touching his. I paused like that, my eyes half closed, still able to see that his eyes did not close. He sat motionless and I feared this was the moment of foolishness that I was freaking over before.

 

Then, I felt his breath on my lips, rapid and shallow, telling me that it was not foolishness that made him freeze, but the uncertainty. I finally pressed my lips against his and they were the softest I have ever felt. Seconds passed with us sitting on the couch, leaning towards each other, only our lips touching. Then, his hand found my face, reaching farther up to my hair, his soft kiss becoming more passionate. His lips parted, his tongue found his way between mine, brushing against my tongue and my teeth.

 

His chest raised heavily as if he had just ran a mile, making me moan and join in his labored breathing.

 

As much as I want to remember every second that I have shared with Sean, there seem to be moments, even minutes that are completely blanked out of my mind. I don’t remember having the glass of wine taken away from me. I don’t recall his fingers, or maybe my own unbuttoning my shirt, but I do remember him slowly pulling it off my shoulders and cupping my breasts through the bra, gently squeezing them.

 

I wished for something softer than the otherwise comfortable couch we were sitting on and as if reading my mind, he got up, took my hand and led me through the house, up the stairs and into his bedroom, which I later on realized was another victorious triumph of architecture. At the moment of my entrance, though, all I could think about was Sean, blind to the beauty around me.

 

He sat on the bed and pulled me to him, nestling me between his legs. My bra, jeans, panties and running shoes were off in no time; I can’t remember the sequence of it exactly.

 

Sean’s hands were running up and down all over my body. Across my belly, gently squeezing my butt cheeks, down the thighs and tickle behind the knees, up over the hips, landing on my breasts, squeezing them as gently as the butt, farther up to my neck, encircling it as if in a strangle hold, pulling me towards him, sucking his lips onto mine.

 

Sure I had my fair share of sex over the past four years since I lost my virginity, but never did I feel so uninhibited, free and unembarrassed. I stood in front of a man, stark naked, not worrying about how   I looked. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world at that moment and the worshipful looks that he was giving me were making me feel very hot.

 

I tried to slip past him and lay on the bed, but he stopped me. “Not yet.” He whispered, holding onto my hips, preventing me from moving. I could see a bulge in his pants and wished to unzip them and reach inside, but yet again, he brushed me off.

 

“Put your leg here.” He patted a spot next to where he sat on the bed and I did as he told me. I held onto his shoulders for balance, afraid that my legs would not hold me up for much longer.

 

I stood in front of him, naked and spread wide open, one leg between his legs, the other one with sole flat on the bed, his hands running up and down my thighs, making me shiver and twitch, seemingly without control. I could barely catch my breath when he pushed his face between my legs and his tongue touched my clitty. Just a soft brush first, sending a wave of pleasure from the sensitive spot throughout my body; I could feel the tingles in my arms and face, my feet and everywhere else.

 

He sucked onto my clitty, one hand reaching over my belly and pinching my nipple, the other wrapping over my butt, holding me still and at the same time supporting my weight, as I thought I was ready to fall down at any given moment.

 

He kept sucking and licking between my legs, my hands on his shoulders, playing with a string of too long blond hair, at one point pulling it too hard. He jumped and hissed. “Hey, easy now!” I giggled and he grinned back at me, returning his full attention to my clitty.

 

I have always needed a lot of attention of tongue and fingers from a man before I could cum, but with Sean, it took me bare two minutes and I grabbed onto his hair, this time without any protests, gasping for breath while I felt a wave after wave of pleasure surge through my body, Sean sucking as if his life depended on it, giving me more pleasure than I had ever had before.

 

As I came to my senses, I saw him looking into my eyes intently. He had managed to unzip his pants without me noticing and was now pulling them down awkwardly with one hand, the other one still caressing my body.

 

I have not had many orgasms this strong before, even the ones that I had evoked myself. I knew that I could have another one really soon, but I had to act fast. Taking a step back, I helped him with his pants, pulling them down together with his boxer shorts, not bothering with the t-shirt.

 

The size of his dick surprised me. It was bigger than anything I have ever seen in real life, much less felt inside me. Big and hard, he was obviously just as ready as I was.

 

“I can’t wait.” I whispered and pushed him away from me, making him lie down, his legs still dangling over the edge of the bed.   I wanted to take him into my mouth, instead I sat on top of him and carefully positioned his dick on my pussy, again noticing that his eyes have never left mine. I slid down slowly, pushing the entire length of his throbbing dick inside, taking a long breath, finally exhaling when I felt my body pressed against his pelvis.

 

I didn’t tell him what I wanted, but again it seemed as if he was reading my mind and knew exactly what I needed. He grabbed onto my shoulders and started fucking me hard, much harder than I had ever been fucked, and within a few thrusts I could feel the tingle in my pussy spreading to my belly and then throughout my body.

 

Somewhere at the back of my mind I had been aware that Janie might return home at any given moment, but I brushed those thoughts aside, surrendering my body to the pleasure completely, groaning in response to his movements and digging my nails into his forearms.

 

I cummed hard again, little spots dancing in front of my eyes, well aware that my face must have been an ugly mask of pleasure. I didn’t care what he thought. I trusted him enough to know that this would only make him feel even more aroused.

 

When I stopped shivering and his movements stopped he sat up, embracing me and flipping us both upside down so that he was on top.

 

“We fucked,” he said and I ran my hand over his handsome face. “Now, I want to make love.”

 

And that was exactly what we did. He was kissing my face, eyes, and my hair, slipping his tongue into my ear, making me shiver, inside my mouth, caressing my tongue and brushing against my teeth. His hands were running up and down my body constantly, never pausing for more than a moment, and then only to squeeze my breast, lift my butt towards him, push my legs further apart, never seizing to move his pelvis, gently pumping in and out of me, giving me a sense of belonging. He made me feel like I hve never felt before.

 

All of a sudden he pulled out of me and slid down my body, sucking onto my clitty again, his fingers deep inside my pussy, pressing against that delicate spot so many men are inclined to miss. I cummed again and all I wanted now was to do the same for him, take him in my mouth, squeeze his balls and watch him shiver in the same pleasure he had given me three times in a row.

 

He wouldn’t let me, though. He motioned to me to turn over and as I did, supporting myself on the knees, I only just noticed that the entire headboard was one huge mirror. He looked at me and smiled. “You’re so hot, Nik,” he whispered. “I knew you would be.”

 

I smiled back, my face cringing in pleasure as I felt him enter me from behind. “I’ve been thinking about this all day yesterday.” He said surprising me, even though I had suspected that was the case.

 

“I want you to cum with me, honey.” He said and I felt an instant cool off. I remembered how many times I have heard him call Janie his honey. Surely, this couldn’t be one of those projectory things; I looked at him in alarm.

 

“What?” he asked, noticing my confusion. I wanted to tell him why I freaked, but decided against it. This was too good to spoil and if I mentioned Janie, I chanced an abrupt ending. I knew he wasn’t a pervert, it was a slip of a tongue. He was just being nice.

 

“Nothing.” I said and pushed back against him. “I thought about you, too, Sean.”

 

He grabbed onto my shoulders again and the lovemaking from a minute ago was over. He fucked me hard and long, one arm on my shoulder, the other one wrapped around my hip, fingers drumming against my clitty, rubbing it, pulling onto it, making it feel like it was connected to a power surge of some sort.

 

“I want you to cum with me, Nik.” He whispered. “Tell me when…” I nodded. “I’ll wait, I want us to cum together.” he said and seeing his body blasting against mine had made me ready to cum right then.

 

I closed my eyes, concentrating on his movements, feeling each press against my clitty, trying to remember it forever. As I looked in the mirror again, I noticed that both of our faces were flushed deep red, veins standing out on our necks and foreheads. We were both ready.

 

“I’m cumming…” I whispered and he sped up, ramming against me so hard, I thought he would send me straight through the mirror. I saw him holding his breath, his face cringing, he tried to hold my gaze, but his eyes eventually closed and as I felt his dick throbbing deep inside of me, I exploded in the same pleasure that he was obviously feeling at that moment.

 

His dick was buried all the way inside of me, his torso slumped on my back, his strong arms hugging me so tight, I almost lost my breath. I could feel his hot sperm shooting in me, and his groans turned into loud gasps, making me join him and express my pleasure audibly.

 

My arms couldn’t support both of us any longer and I fell onto the bed, Sean following, still holding me tight, as if afraid I was going to run away.   As our bodies calmed and our breathing slowed down, I came to my senses, wondering what to do or say next.

 

“Oh, Nikkie,” whispered Sean, pulling me back into the sensual mood. I was grateful he did not simply jump off the bed and pull his clothes on, I would not be able to face him then.

 

“Let’s take a shower.” He offered and I wanted to accept, but now, the passion satisfied I started thinking of Janie.

 

“No, I have to go. I really do.” I said apologetically, squirming from under him.

 

“I know.” He said and smiled. He leaned over and kissed me hard, his hand finding my breast. I couldn’t go through this again, there might not have been enough time. I wanted to stay, cuddle with him in bed all evening, take a shower and make another dinner. But I knew better than that. I was certain he did, too.

 

With a heavy heart I got off the bed and dressed myself, not caring that his sperm was oozing out of me, probably creating a stain on my jeans. The shirt would cover any traces of our lovemaking.

 

I left Sean still in bed, having refused his offer to drive me home or at least walk me to the door. I ran out with a guilty feeling because of Janie, yet exhilarated over what just happened.

 

-------

 

I finished the diary entry and felt my heart beating as heavily as it did on the day when I left Sean’s house. I never saw him again, to my great disappointment, knowing it was better that way.

 

A few years later, my mom told me Sean had married someone I didn’t know. Apparently, she was a beauty and a true bitch. They didn’t last long.

 

To this day, I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I had stayed. Would we be able to overlook the fact that his daughter was my friend? Probably not. Would the small town forgive us? Definitely not. Most importantly, and I shiver to think about that question, is whether he would want to be with me again. I know I would have wanted it.

 

I suppose things turned out for the best. He is one of the very few guys that I think about sometimes, when alone in bed or bathtub, my hand reaches between my legs, I close my eyes and try to bring myself to the same level of pleasure that I felt the day when I made love to Janie’s dad.

 

I flipped through more pages, noting that the rest of the entries were much shorter than the first two I have read. I suppose they were more of a true diary scribbles, less of an attempt to mark down every single word, movement, smell and feeling.

 

I kept reading.