no1specialhere
Member Since August 12, 2011
HIS FIRTS
by
anonymous
4288 days ago
no1specialhere
4269 days ago
anonymous
4288 days ago
no1specialhere
4269 days ago
-
1
+
Also, what the hell is up with the brackets around the dialogue? Quotation marks indicate people talking. You stick brackets around it too, it's dumb and irritating and adds to the other issues to make people absolutely refuse to read your story once they had the misfortune to click in to it.
Mistery gift
by
Preacha
Preacha
Damn that was hot! Just a few quick comments -
Do check your spelling, those random errors can really pop a reader out of the story.
Watch your tenses - half the time it's present tense, half the time it's past tense (sometimes changing in the same sentence)
Also, watch your subject. Usually it's "I" but at one point the subject flips to "you" - it's odd.
ex: "Her firm hand reaches over and starts to jerk *my* manmeat. She spits on her fingers and lubes up *my* bum. As she inserts her finger in, *you* instantly tighten around her finger and hump *your* cock in her hands.
Just tighten it up a bit, and then give us more!
Do check your spelling, those random errors can really pop a reader out of the story.
Watch your tenses - half the time it's present tense, half the time it's past tense (sometimes changing in the same sentence)
Also, watch your subject. Usually it's "I" but at one point the subject flips to "you" - it's odd.
ex: "Her firm hand reaches over and starts to jerk *my* manmeat. She spits on her fingers and lubes up *my* bum. As she inserts her finger in, *you* instantly tighten around her finger and hump *your* cock in her hands.
Just tighten it up a bit, and then give us more!
haveing fun
by
anonymous
anonymous
Make sure you check your spelling. Every time I try to get into it, I come across yet another misspelling and it jerks me right out of the mood - especially when I can't even quite figure out what the word is *supposed* to be and have to stop and think about it.
For example - Having (not haveing), petitely (not pettily), later (not latter - that is a word, actually, but NOT the one you wanted), etc, and that's just in the title and first few paragraphs. Give it a read-through and fix the spelling and random grammatical errors and try again. :)
For example - Having (not haveing), petitely (not pettily), later (not latter - that is a word, actually, but NOT the one you wanted), etc, and that's just in the title and first few paragraphs. Give it a read-through and fix the spelling and random grammatical errors and try again. :)
A visit to the Doctor
by
Budde
Budde
Not just paragraphs - how about even the most CURSORY spelling and grammar check?
The Massage - Chapter 5 - The Watching
by
girthguy
girthguy
Bear in mind, your readers are NOT all male. And the whole shift to addressing the reader directly was very distracting to me, and rather quite a turn-off. Disappointing, really.
Mommy wants my 14 year old cock
by
girthguy
girthguy
It is WAIST. Not waste. Waste is garbage - or worse. Seems like an insignificant error, probably, but it completely yanks the reader out of the story - which is a shame, since this could be really hot if I could think about bodies instead of smelly garbage bags.
Winter Wonderland
by
klm0559
klm0559
Paragraphs. Didn't even read it because it's just one giant block of text. Paragraphs are your friends.
loving family
by
anarky1992
anarky1992
PARAGRAPHS. Use them. Love them. Most people (myself included) won't bother with a solid wall of text, it gets way too hard to keep track of where you are.
Trampoline Flasher
by
petookh
petookh
Paragraphs. Learn about them.
And give some description. How old is she, for starters? How old is HE? How did he feel when he looked at her? How did she feel when he touched her? It has potential, but there's no detail at all.
And give some description. How old is she, for starters? How old is HE? How did he feel when he looked at her? How did she feel when he touched her? It has potential, but there's no detail at all.
by
wanda02
wanda02
No. Just no.
1) Paragraph breaks. Use them. Nobody likes big wall 'o text.
2) Holy crap, knock it off with the words in all caps! And the 3-5 exclamation points after them! Frankly, this looks like it was written by a 12-year-old.
3) Basic writing issues. Use punctuation (other than exclamation points) - like quotes when people speak, so we can actually *tell* the dialog from the narration. Use your spell check. Attempt to actually use full sentences with proper grammar rather than random sentence fragments followed by ellipses.
In short: Fix it so it doesn't look like it was written by a kid in grammar school. Maybe then people will actually be able to read it, instead of skimming the first line or two and then clicking the "back" button on the browser.
1) Paragraph breaks. Use them. Nobody likes big wall 'o text.
2) Holy crap, knock it off with the words in all caps! And the 3-5 exclamation points after them! Frankly, this looks like it was written by a 12-year-old.
3) Basic writing issues. Use punctuation (other than exclamation points) - like quotes when people speak, so we can actually *tell* the dialog from the narration. Use your spell check. Attempt to actually use full sentences with proper grammar rather than random sentence fragments followed by ellipses.
In short: Fix it so it doesn't look like it was written by a kid in grammar school. Maybe then people will actually be able to read it, instead of skimming the first line or two and then clicking the "back" button on the browser.
Truth or dare with my wife and her brother
by
macknii78
macknii78
Wow, that is really hot. My pussy is dripping. Please post more!
Third Base at Last: A Yiff Love Story
by
yiffwolf777
yiffwolf777
Paragraphs please! People aren't willing to read a solid wall of text.