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wyldbrdmn25
03-15-2007, 12:43 AM
90% false just something im trying to get off Harry Potter fo a sec

Billy entered the house after a long and boring day at school. Feeling dirty from football practice, he decided to go and take a nice long, hot bath. He entered the bathroom and removed all of his clothes. He turned the water on in the bathtub and while he waited for it to fill, he looked at himself in the full-length mirror. He had a well worked on body with a six-pack to drive any girl crazy. He had short brown hair, blue eyes and a small mustache growing in nicely.

He crawled into the tub as it got to the height where he liked it and shut it off. He laid his head back and enjoyed stretching out in the six-foot long tub. He rested his head back against the plastic pillow he had in there and closed his eyes. He awoke some time later to someone pounding on the door that they had to pee so he reached over and unlocked it. After pulling the curtain closed, he yelled they could come in. He looked through the little crack left between the wall and the curtain and noticed his sister sit down on the toilet.

His sister (Kim) was nineteen at the time and looked great to Billy. If she hadn’t been his sister he would have fucked her as soon as he hit puberty. He did not think that she could see his little eye peeking through so he kept it up. She kept moving her legs apart then together which gave him a perfect view of her shaved pussy. He got hard right away seeing this and felt his cock stir. He reached down and slightly stroked it trying not to make any splashing noises.

She got up, whipped herself and thanked him before leaving. He reached up and locked the door behind her before settling down and masturbating while picturing his sister's pussy. After he came he finished with his bath and got dressed. He headed over to his room to call his girlfriend to see if she wanted to do something tonight.

"Oh id love to. Come over in an hour my parents are going to a big, fancy diner and won’t be back for hours." she told him before hanging up the phone. Billy got anxious because it had been months since they last made love. They just can never find any time with him and football and her taking karate.

Billy showed up at her house a few minutes early and noticed her parents leaving so he waited a minute incase they came back n pulled up to the house. He rang the doorbell and Amber answered wearing a robe. He went into the living room while she got them a couple of sodas. She handed Billy his and after they took a drink they both sat them down. Amber, having never sat, opened up her robe to show she was naked as the day she was born.

For being fifteen, she looked great with her handful breasts and the airstrip hair she had on her pussy. Her nipples did not stick out but the areola's were about two inches across. She had a fit body from taking karate. Her brown hair brought out her brown eyes to make he look stunning.

He reached up and grabbed her hips pulling her pussy into his open mouth. Seeing how she was still standing up he could only lick the tip of her clit but it still tasted good. He took two fingers, slid them between her legs, and sank them into her now spread pussy. As he stuck them in, he could feel her pussy juices run down the tip of his hand. He took his fingers out and stuck them in his mouth.

She stepped back a little bit, got on her knees, and unzipped his seven-inch cock from his prison. She then took it deep into her mouth as far as she could go; there was a handful left where she placed her hand. She them moved her head up and down on it bringing her hand with her mouth as she went along. She had always been good at this and whenever Billy asked her how she got so good, she would always just smile.

Billy had enough of her mouth and wanted the pussy so he grabbed her arms and pulled her up on top of him. She held herself up by sitting on her knees while Billy positioned his cock into her opening. She lowered herself slowly at first to make sure it was going to stay put. When she was convinced it would she impaled all of it into herself.

Billy reached up and took her breasts into each of his hands and led them to his mouth while she sat there enjoying his cock inside of her. After a minute, she started bouncing her hips the entire length of his cock. Billy grabbed her ass and helped her as he ran his finger slightly around her asshole. "Oh god yes fuck my hot pussy. Fuck it hard." Was the only sound, along with moaning, that Billy could hear.

Hearing her talk like this just turned him on even more so he trusted his hips to meet hers as she came down on him. There were loud smacking noises all around the room as their hips meet. Billy then grabbed her around the waist and spun her around so she was half way on top of the couch. He grabbed her hips and moved as fast as he could in and out of her pussy.

He looked down at his cock enter her pussy and noticed his cock was covered in white cream. He knew she was about to cum so he reached around and buried a finger into her asshole. This made her cum right away, Billy could feel hot liquid form abound his cock which made him want to cum but he wanted to see it in her mouth. Billy pulled his cock out and jumped up on the couch with his legs at either side of her breasts and stuck his cock into her open mouth.

He came in her mouth so much that it started coming out the sides. After she licked it from around her lips Billy kissed her tasting a little bit of his cum left there. They got dressed and sat watching the television for a while. When it came time for her parents to come home he jumped up and got in his car and pulled away. When he got to the end of the street to turn he noticed their car turn the corner. He was thankful he left when he did as he turned the corner.

mcholdrguy
03-15-2007, 02:52 AM
Mmmm ...Nicely written tale of teen nookie! Only one spelling oops that spell-check would not have found. The last paragraph was too 'busy'.

Please write more for us!!!

Deputy Duffy
03-16-2007, 05:25 PM
Hi wyldbrdmn25, Thanks for posting this here.

Ok, you have a good sex scene here. Now you need to make a story out of it. Give us a reason to care.

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A cock is a thing....And it can't be unzipped.

This: She stepped back a little bit, got on her knees, and unzipped his seven-inch cock from his prison.

Should be this: She stepped back a little bit, got on her knees, and unzipped his jeans, freeing his seven-inch cock from its prison.

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The last paragraph as stated needs help. You went from coming in her mouth to driving a car in the same paragraph. (Only if he was driving, while coming)

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If you want to ask me anything, just pm me.

DD

BJ Cortland
03-16-2007, 07:34 PM
One thing I noticed was that you started a lot of sentences with 'he' or 'she'. I know how difficult it is to avoid doing that, but it's very distracting. Try reworking the sentence structure. Take your first paragraph, for example:

Billy entered the house after a long and boring day at school. Feeling dirty from football practice, he decided to go and take a nice long, hot bath. He entered the bathroom and removed all of his clothes. He turned the water on in the bathtub and while he waited for it to fill, he looked at himself in the full-length mirror. He had a well worked on body with a six-pack to drive any girl crazy. He had short brown hair, blue eyes and a small mustache growing in nicely.

This reads a little better:

Billy entered the house after a long and boring day at school. Feeling dirty from football practice, he decided to go and take a nice long, hot bath. He entered the bathroom and removed all of his clothes, then turned on the water in the bathtub. While he waited for it to fill, he looked at himself in the full-length mirror.

The last sentence is a little awkward, too. Maybe:

Football and working out had left him with a well-toned body and a nice six pack that would drive any girl crazy. Combined with his short brown hair, blue eyes, and the mustache that was just starting to come in nicely, he knew he could have almost any girl he wanted.

These are just suggestions - I'm not trying to rewrite your story.

I also agree with Deputy Duffy - I really didn't care about the characters. They seemed very two-dimensional. Take a little time to let us get to know them. I don't mind reading a longer story if I understand something about their personalities,likes and dislikes, etc. But don't overdo it. Give your readers a taste and let them fill in the details.

I hope I was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions (or if you think I'm full of shit! lol).

wyldbrdmn25
03-16-2007, 07:45 PM
my main thing is i have great idea. my flaw is i cant write for crap and i know it. im trying to improve butim a virgin still so the sex is allttle bit of what i read and see. i thought i did good on desribing the charaters. plus ppl yell at me to use spell/ grammer check and i do but i guess it doesnt do to good. plus (in my harry potter stories) i have to add half the words.

BJ Cortland
03-16-2007, 07:59 PM
Lol. Hey, I'm no expert. When I post a story here, I know it'll be torn apart!

As for character descriptions, that takes practice. I read somewhere not to describe them like you're reading from a shopping list, but to have them doing something and drop hints. like have a woman sit down and brush her long golden hair while thinking about her date with her boyfriend the night before. Maybe have her reflect on the highlights of the date and how he made her feel (emotionally, not just sexually!). By doing that, the reader gets a peek into her personality and you can build on these traits as the story progresses. Just be sure to be consistent and remember, the reader is forming a mental picture of your character. You don't have to go into great detail about their physical features. The reader will fill them in as they picture him/her.

badlybent
03-16-2007, 11:44 PM
If you keep writing everyday you will be amazed at how much better you will be in a month or two. The important thing is to keep at it and that you are open to improve.

A simple rule about paragraphs is to think about one paragraph, one subject. Not a hard and fast rule but a good habit to get into. Just start a new paragraph everytime you change subjects. And a new paragraph each time a new person speaks even if it's just one word.

It will all come together.

donaldt69
10-07-2009, 11:31 PM
Good story. I won't harp on the suggestions already made. I did enjoy your story though

ironeagle2
10-08-2009, 02:48 PM
it was ok need more

frankjohnmoore
10-09-2009, 02:04 AM
i enjoyed the story very much, keep, it up ,

zedro
10-13-2009, 11:50 AM
need some help