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topdog79
07-12-2006, 06:27 PM
My first story any feed back would be great


This is my firs story so please be kind, this is some fiction and some nonfiction I will not say.
A little back ground, my name is Mike I’m 19 and I live with my girl friend Jill (18 yr) Jill’s sister and her are 15
Year’s apart in age so Jill and her niece Amanda are 2 years difference in age.

It was a in the middle of a long HOT summer vacation for my girl friend’s niece Amanda and she had been stuck at home most the time watching her little brother but this week would be different her parents were on vacation so she called to stay the week with us I had no problem with it I was between jobs and my gf was at work most the day so some one to go and do things with during the day was fine with me.

The next morning Amanda showed up at 7 am and it was already 85 degrees out (for the north east USA that was hot), Amanda dropped her bag in the door and said she was going to the pool witch was very privet I said fine I would be out soon I has to do some dishes be for it got hotter out and lucky for me the kitchen window looked out to the pool. I had not seen Amanda for a couple months and did not realize how much she had grown up till I say her take off her big baggy t shirt and shorts she had on, under her t and shorts she had a 2 piece bathing suit with g string bottoms, she played a lot of sports so she was thin 5’4” tall and her breast had grown to a nice big C cup and I could see her rock hard nipples protruding out.
I had never seen her as a sexy girl sense I had known her for 5 years but when I saw bend over to get the tanning oil and that string go in her ass crack more and I could see part of her hairless pussy lips where it just did not cover I got a instant hard on I knew then that this was going to be a hard week with my gf gone most the time. As Amanda rubbed her body with oil I had had enough and dropped my shorts and jerked off my 8 inch cock right there. The rest of the day she flaunted around the house in just a t and the bathing suit bottoms and left me with a tent the hole day and she new it and would bend over in front of me and sit on my lap just to tease me I yanked at least 6 times that day and then fucked the hell out of my gf half the night.

The next day after my gf left things really heated up, Amanda got up after my gf left and came out of the room with just a tank top on that barely covered her ass and she had on no under-wear so I told Amanda before she could get a shower she had to help me move the furniture in the living room a couple times she would lift her arms to stretch and I cold see all and she would just smile a innocent smile and I would be close enough t get a whiff of her young sweet moist cunt and she would come over and brush her ass against my rock hard rod, When we where done she said she was getting in the shower and then play sp2 for a while, After she went to the shower I went to my room to jack off again and I noticed she left the bathroom door open so I stood there stroking my rod as she ran soap over her body giving me a show a then I got a shock when she pressed her body against the glass and started fingering herself and rubbing her clit fast she when on for about 10 min moaning and almost screaming she had to know I was watching and she collapsed to the floor of the shower in a earth shattering orgasm, I brew my load then must have been 6 streams of cum on the floor I closed my door to the room and cleaned up and I herd her get out of the shower and go to her room giggling all the way then she close the door.

A bout a hour passed and I herd her yell to me to come in I opened the door to see her lying on her stomach in bed naked with just a towel over her ass she said she was sore from moving the furniture around and would love it if I could rub some oil on her body at this point I was game for anything, I got up and straddled her body and started rubbing the oil or her I slowly started with her shoulders and worked my way down to her back, I stopped at the towel and skipped down to her feet and worked my way up as I got to her thigh she swung her legs open and I could see her open pussy lips and could smell that sweet cunt and she took the towel off and told me I was not done and that she knew I had been watching her and she wanted me to take her cherry. I poured some oil on her ass and started to rub it in I worked my way down to her ass hole and started to lightly rub her rose bud I slid my pinky right in and she just pushed back toward me as I fingered her ass, I slid a finger in to her puss and she was really tight but wet so it went in good , I finger fucked both holes for a while and loosened her up enough to slide another finger in her cunt I buy this time the juices were just out of her and she smelled so good and she was screaming to a orgasm, she just clenched down on my fingers and pushed them out in a gushing flood of cum that soaked me and the bed. She laid there a min and swung around and engulfed my cock with her mouth and went to sucking me off she stroked and sucked my cock like a pro it did not take long before I was cumin in her mouth and she took most all of it with some dripping down her chin witch I lick off her then kissed her deep, I laid her down and started to eat out her puss it tasted so sweet I ate and finger I played with her hard nipples and soon she was cumin again and this time I cot the flood of cum in my mouth and she fooled my I thought I was going to drown, by time she was done cumin I was ready again I spread her legs wide and lined up with that tight hole and pressed in till I hit her hymen and she nodded her head ok so I pulled back and drove deep she screamed and teared up some but I did not stop she was so tight it felt like I was in a vice soon she was bucking and screaming with every thrust and her cunt was milking me for all I was worth soon I felt her clamp down even harder and we both cum together and collapsed, my cock shrunk out of her and I sucked the cum out of her as I did she told me she was on the pill and did not have to worry we laid there holding each other for a wile. We sat and played with each other and ps2 games till my gf came home, Lots more happened that week.


If you like this first story there might be another.

davesmistress
07-12-2006, 07:40 PM
Thanks for the story....It had a good plot...but try to break up the paragraphs more like you did at the very beginning.....and Im sorry but use spell check....it will help with the flow of the story.....also a little more interaction between charcters is good.

Glad you gave it a try and bet the next will be even better!!!!!

Scorpio8
07-12-2006, 11:17 PM
I agree with the point already made on paragraphing.

Overall it's very well down with a solid plot and
fine erotic elements.

Using a bit more description of the characters will also go
a long way to creating a visual image in the mind
of the reader.

Too often characters in stories are seen only as faceless
forms that consist of either pricks or cunts. Giving
more details on things like hair color, eye color, body
type (skinny, chunky, average), they had a tattoo, freckles,
long hair, short hair, etc.

All this really helps to create a better image of who the
characters are and make them more realistic.

You've got the right idea on weaving a tale and with a little
bit more polishing you'll only get better.

For a first effort this was very nice and shows great
promise!!!

topdog79
07-13-2006, 12:42 PM
!bchss Thanks for the feed back so far I will keep it all in mind and hope to start on a nother one soon :clap

JackBNimble
07-13-2006, 01:15 PM
Good first try!

Ethansask
02-22-2009, 12:42 AM
mmmmm avery hot story...loved it

twojustfourfun
02-22-2009, 10:28 AM
You started with a great plot, which is obviously the heart of any story. However, I agree with the previous posters about the need for some basic editing. The best stories capture the reader's imagination, inviting them to share the experience in their own minds.

They want to feel what your characters feel, physically and emotionally... when you accomplish that, you know by your readers' responses... and it is very rewarding!

Keep it up!

Shocker_D
02-25-2009, 08:51 PM
Keep going :)

jollyman
02-26-2009, 04:07 PM
Your story was good but like others said it did need some work. If you use a program like MS word from Microsoft or word type programs use their spellchecker. Plus there is a good dictionary program called webword that helps me when I write. It has free download version an is very helpful. good luck and keep writing I hope see some more of this story soon.

frankjohnmoore
03-03-2009, 11:46 PM
story is good and the plot is good and i hope you write more

saintman
03-04-2009, 06:21 AM
waiting to read about rest of week. good so far

ironeagle2
03-09-2009, 06:42 PM
Good start keep it up

Ricey
05-03-2009, 11:41 PM
I thought it was great, thanks

cornut1
05-14-2009, 11:50 AM
this story masde me cum hard. very good

donaldt69
05-20-2009, 08:04 PM
It was a good story. A little short, but very gook

railroad
06-25-2009, 12:49 PM
I thought it was a nice start to a vacation.

tonybear_1982
06-25-2009, 03:02 PM
Good start to the story but could have been long with more details. but good story and i hope to read the next parts soon

rebfire
06-27-2009, 08:13 PM
Great addition. Thanks

frankjohnmoore
07-21-2009, 02:57 AM
good story, needs some work but i liked it,

Kojack1978
08-05-2009, 12:05 AM
Good story, please keep up the good work

jodarius
06-21-2011, 08:57 AM
nice hot story there

hitthewall
03-24-2012, 11:03 AM
very hot sexy story, hope to read more

PaulTheTeacher
06-08-2013, 09:38 AM
very hot story!