In Memoriam

[Marlene38EE]

I realize I have not been here in quite some time, and that my departure occured in bad spirits. Foolish choices were made by me in whom to trust...I can only offer my sincerest apologies.
I ask only that the apology be accepted, or at least considered...I don't ask for forgiveness. The mistake was mine, I regret it and am so very sorry for all that I hurt.

However the main point I am here is due to the passing of a former member some of you I hope will remember kindly and fondly before the big blow-up.
James (Kaidman's real name) was struck and killed by a car on Dec 26th 2021. I only learned of it now after worrying for many days in not hearing from him as we always chatted in the evenings. I am sorry if this is disjointed, trying to type while crying...
James was the most Loyal and Best of friends anyone could ever be lucky enough to have. I saw him as a Brother, and he regarded me as a Sister. We were very close, despite being only Online Friends. But there were many times he proved through significant effort and helping me the truth of his heart and character.

I don't know if I'll be returning here in any significant way...I don't know if I'm welcome. But, I felt that anyone here who might still have also remained in contact with him and/or friends with James should know what has occurred.

http://www.sexstoriespost.com/forums/members/46456-kaidman/

[groomleader]

That's terrible! I remember Kaidman, and finding out he died in such a useless way, is tragic.

Marlene, it's GREAT to hear from you, I just wish the circumstances were not so awful.
Your postings and insights were always so very welcome! Apology accepted fully! And you personally, are more than welcome to rejoin us, it would be a great honor to see you again more often! Please do so!!
Let's leave the past behind, and move forward.

[Marlene38EE]

That's terrible! I remember Kaidman, and finding out he died in such a useless way, is tragic.

Marlene, it's GREAT to hear from you, I just wish the circumstances were not so awful.
Your postings and insights were always so very welcome! Apology accepted fully! And you personally, are more than welcome to rejoin us, it would be a great honor to see you again more often! Please do so!!
Let's leave the past behind, and move forward.

Thank-you very much for the 'welcome back' and your kind words regarding James. ((HUG))

I'd not heard from him in days--we used to chat every night--and started getting more and more worried, then sought out a friend of his who knew him for a long time and very well IRL.
That's when I found out, last night, what had happened on the 26th...

I'm very grateful for the welcome-back and I agree that the past is the past...I DID learn some valuable lessons from that past incident though regarding whom to trust and will NOT repeat that mistake.
I have MISSED this site, I've missed all of you...terribly, and now all that took a sharp quantum-leap up the scale.
I'm writing much more actively now--erotic fiction, so I do have something to offer and contribute.

[davesmistress]

Wow That is terrible for sure....I remember both of you.

Its always wonderful when any members drop back in...great to see you even if its on a sad note.....

Happy New Year

[Marlene38EE]

Wow That is terrible for sure....I remember both of you.

Its always wonderful when any members drop back in...great to see you even if its on a sad note.....

Happy New Year

Thank-you for the welcoming and I'm glad to be back.
Thank-you also for remembering us both, especially James.

It just seemed 'right' as this is where I met and made friends with James --and while that past Incident was a hardcore negative I will always wish never happened-- we always spoke well and fondly of SSP and often spoke of returning, hoping the past to be put aside.

So, here I am. I wanted to come back, as did James...and I think he'd want me to pursue this course for myself and in his memory.
He was such a good, kind-hearted and forgiving guy that I think I am doing something he'd have wanted.

Belated Happy New Year to you and all the rest of the Membership!!

[Marlene38EE]

While I was away, I developed this one literary realm, inspired by Star Wars but VERY different from it. James loved it, and actually went to the trouble of building a character in the MMORPG Star Wars The Old Republic named and based as best possible off the primary male lead in the first story.

That Realm was one he kept alive for me after various insults directed to me about it very greatly damaged my enthusiasm and willingness to continue on with it.
I was ready to delete it all, every last trace of it from the finished work to the development notes.
He did so because he loved that Realm yes...but as he had stated and made very clear it was because mainly he wanted to support me, someone he saw as being a Sister to him.
He kept me going, kept the flame of my enthusiasm and willingness to continue with it alive.

James saved an entire Universe...
...simply by being who he was, a True and Loving friend who genuinely cared.

That Universe is in the process of having a Dedication made to him for all-time then I will be putting it back on the shelves.

I miss him terribly, we chatted every night for 11 years or close to...I feel like I have had a Brother taken, ripped out of my life.
I cannot bring him back, but I can Honor and Memorialize him.

Sorry for carrying on, but I only just found out last night/yesterday...thanks for bearing with me.

[groomleader]

You can let it all out with us, we are here to comfort you. You are among friends and well-wishers, and as I said before Welcome back!

[Marlene38EE]

You can let it all out with us, we are here to comfort you. You are among friends and well-wishers, and as I said before Welcome back!

((HUG))
Thank-You and I really appreciate it!! I am very glad I followed my instincts and came back. Losing James was bad enough, but I found out almost a week after suddenly losing contact with him...wondering, worrying.
So, it's fresh to me and I'm still feeling like I had a mountain dropped on me.
That said, in a little bit, I'll be posting some excerpts of Tyrant Star in the appropriate sub-forum area/s (It's both BDSM and Space-fantasy). James enjoyed it because it's 'Star Wars for Mature Adults'...and answers the question of 'what to do when travelling through hyperspace'. lol
It needs some re-working, I need to remove and re-write some small areas to install better-thought-out characters.

James saved this literary universe from annihilation, I think all of you here at SSP will find some appeal to it.
I will always be eternally and massively grateful to James for his efforts in saving this work, he really fought for it's continued existence and to keep me from doing something he knew I would regret had I done it.
The actions of a True Friend who genuinely knew me.
That's why that entire universe is now dedicated to him In Memoriam and as a Legacy.

[groomleader]

((HUG))
Thank-You and I really appreciate it!! I am very glad I followed my instincts and came back. Losing James was bad enough, but I found out almost a week after suddenly losing contact with him...wondering, worrying.
So, it's fresh to me and I'm still feeling like I had a mountain dropped on me.
That said, in a little bit, I'll be posting some excerpts of Tyrant Star in the appropriate sub-forum area/s (It's both BDSM and Space-fantasy). James enjoyed it because it's 'Star Wars for Mature Adults'...and answers the question of 'what to do when travelling through hyperspace'. lol
It needs some re-working, I need to remove and re-write some small areas to install better-thought-out characters.

James saved this literary universe from annihilation, I think all of you here at SSP will find some appeal to it.
I will always be eternally and massively grateful to James for his efforts in saving this work, he really fought for it's continued existence and to keep me from doing something he knew I would regret had I done it.
The actions of a True Friend who genuinely knew me.
That's why that entire universe is now dedicated to him In Memoriam and as a Legacy.

Star Wars for mature adults, oh yeah, I'm looking forward to that!

[Marlene38EE]

Star Wars for mature adults, oh yeah, I'm looking forward to that!

Thank-you for saying that, it means a lot...more than you know!
It was and remains a passion-project, driven into existence as a form of striking back at Kennedy and what she's done to Star Wars.
TYRANT STAR is Star Wars but with content (apart from sexual) that adults can really grab onto. YES I shamelessly admit it was heavily inspired by Star Wars and shows it, but as I am not handicapped by having to stick with being 'wholesome family entertainment' nor having to gear things for kids I can go in other directions and gear things for mature, intelligent adults.
Unlike Star Wars, the difference between the 'Jedi' and 'Sith' in this Realm is considerable...to the point where the 'Sith' are actually a Human-Hybrid species with it's own distinct history...and things between them are not as simplistic black-and-white/good-vs-evil as in Star Wars.

In content, it pulls NO punches.
Despite adding weight, heft and tons of development it doesn't lose the 'adventure-speed' feel and it is Space-Fantasy...it's meant to be fun and sexy but not 'cheap' or lazy...tricky balancing act, but it works.

[Marlene38EE]

James aka 'Kaidman' as he was known here was one of the brightest points in my life. SSP is where I met him, having encountered his Manga Vault and then we began chatting, following each other's posts and built a friendship where we chatted every night for almost or just over 11 years.
You chat with someone that long, you get to know them pretty well.
James had a big, sensitive heart...in many ways he was too good for this world, really.
He became more than a friend, he became my Brother, that's how I saw him and he regarded me as a Sister. We had fights and disagreements like anyone else...we always came back and made peace, smoothed things over, continued on.
He was someone whi listened to my story ideas, who had the 'Inside' view and he always appreciated that knowing that being allowed in to see the 'inner workings' of my Realms and thinking was not something I extend lightly and only to the most absolutely Trusted of people...because then you're inside the defenses. He understood this and couched/phrased critical observations and such gently so they were a discussion of facts and entirely painless.
When you're inside a Writer's armor and shields...it's incredibly easy to do damage accidentally and he Understood that.
He dabbled in writing and I encouraged him, helped him, and always hoped to see him put some dedicated effort into it...he would have been astounding as an author, I say that based on some small things he showed me.
James was a truly Good Man with a Good and True Heart, and my Brother. Martin and the girls thought the world of him, every night when I was chatting with James, someone would always inquire for them all about how he was doing, and triumphs and tragedies were shared...he was a VERY much a member of this oddball family I have.

I realized something the other day about him, and his death...
He was named for 007, James Bond. It's my understanding that his mother is a very big fan of Classic Bond.
In 2021 we lost Sean Connery...The First Bond
In 2021 we lost Bond himself in No Time To Die
Then...it seems the Fates chose to complete the cycle, path whatever you wish to call it and we lost James....

In some strange way I haven't words or skill to say, the above...realizing that triplet-connection through Fate...brings a sense of meaning/interest/significance to his death. It makes it better, somehow, than just accepting he was struck by a car and killed pointlessly and without significance.
He would enjoy such a Triplet of Fate, that's something...and it's enough for me to hold onto.

[groomleader]

Marlene, what you said, "It makes it better, somehow, than just accepting he was struck by a car and killed pointlessly and without significance."

That hit a chord with me. My first love, Denise, we were 14, and life had seemed like an endless vista spread out before us. We had a wild kiss-a-thon one magic night in November of 1971, while my brother and her brother were out for a night of dancing and drinking with their girlfriends.

Being 14, and knowing basically nothing about sex, I did not try to take it any further. We lived far enough apart that we went to separate high schools, so we drifted apart. The last time we got some kissing in was the summer of 1973, and the last time I saw her was late in 1979, when she had moved out of the city and was living with her Mom, just outside of Ardrossan.

So, I was married in 1979, and a few years go by. Forward to February on 1982, I'm reading the Edmonton Journal, and this inner page story jumps at me ''Denise Newman, 25, was killed in a one-vehicle rollover crash. The accident occurred just outside of Ardrossan, as she was driving along the backroad to her Mother's house. RCMP concluded that she lost control of her car, skidded on a patch of black ice, and flipped into the ditch."

Just like that, gone. I had wondered about how cruel Fate could be. Living in Edmonton, with all the public schools under the auspices of the EPSB, I could have gone to any high school. And considering that Bonnie Doon and Strathcona High were pretty well the same distance from my parent's house, we could have attended the same school, and taken our relationship to high school sweethearts.

And, to take that one step further, if our love had endured, and we were married or living together, I could have, without even knowing it, saved her life, as she would not have been driving home on that icy road.

The old "if I had known" but it was not to be. Fate is such a capricious master. A lady who had meant a hell of a lot to me in my growing years, Dead at 25,
no sense in it. I don't sit and brood about it, but can't help but wonder how different my life would be if I had taken that fork in the road.

[Marlene38EE]

Marlene, what you said, "It makes it better, somehow, than just accepting he was struck by a car and killed pointlessly and without significance."

That hit a chord with me. My first love, Denise, we were 14, and life had seemed like an endless vista spread out before us. We had a wild kiss-a-thon one magic night in November of 1971, while my brother and her brother were out for a night of dancing and drinking with their girlfriends.

Being 14, and knowing basically nothing about sex, I did not try to take it any further. We lived far enough apart that we went to separate high schools, so we drifted apart. The last time we got some kissing in was the summer of 1973, and the last time I saw her was late in 1979, when she had moved out of the city and was living with her Mom, just outside of Ardrossan.

So, I was married in 1979, and a few years go by. Forward to February on 1982, I'm reading the Edmonton Journal, and this inner page story jumps at me ''Denise Newman, 25, was killed in a one-vehicle rollover crash. The accident occurred just outside of Ardrossan, as she was driving along the backroad to her Mother's house. RCMP concluded that she lost control of her car, skidded on a patch of black ice, and flipped into the ditch."

Just like that, gone. I had wondered about how cruel Fate could be. Living in Edmonton, with all the public schools under the auspices of the EPSB, I could have gone to any high school. And considering that Bonnie Doon and Strathcona High were pretty well the same distance from my parent's house, we could have attended the same school, and taken our relationship to high school sweethearts.

And, to take that one step further, if our love had endured, and we were married or living together, I could have, without even knowing it, saved her life, as she would not have been driving home on that icy road.

The old "if I had known" but it was not to be. Fate is such a capricious master. A lady who had meant a hell of a lot to me in my growing years, Dead at 25,
no sense in it. I don't sit and brood about it, but can't help but wonder how different my life would be if I had taken that fork in the road.

Thank-you for the reply and as belated as it might be, please accept my sincerest and heartfelt sympathies! Time might have passed by sympathies and compassion have no 'best before' date.
One thing I realized last night was the timing...if I had been on our chat in the afternoon when he was last on, I could have probably saved him.
All it would have taken would have been a minute or less of a few sentences...just enough to alter the timing of events by say, fifteen seconds to a minute.
Then he'd have been not in-line with that vehicle...TIME, as you pointed out, is the real issue in things like this....small decisions that only in retrospect you can then see how much of a change-effect they'd have had.
I'm trying not to let it get to me, but right now I feel like I failed to save him....if I'd only made a few minutes to go on instead of thinking 'I'll catch up with him later'...that whole line of thought.
Fate, Time...it is cruel alright.
However, there is that 'Bond Sequence' that James seemed to be an intrinsic part of, as if he was destined to be the life to close-out the Bond Era, as he'd been named for it.
I'm clinging onto that with both hands right now.
I am steadily moving through the grief and mourning, gets a little easier each day...but I'm not at the end of the 'wastelands' yet, but moving towards it. I have three Realms I will be putting under permanent Memorial Dedication to him as they were three of his favorites. It's all I can do, but then he will be Remembered and people will know that he lived.
Being Remembered was always something he worried about, so with this, he can stop worrying as it'll be covered in three avenues and I know he'd have liked that and appreciated it.

Thank-you again for helping me through this Groomleader!! ((HUG))

[groomleader]

A big hug for you my dear. That's what we are here for, to help each other.
You did not fail to save him Fate failed to save him
Hold on tight to that knowledge, and let yourself take all the time you need to deal with the aftereffects.
We'll be here for you!

[Marlene38EE]

A big hug for you my dear. That's what we are here for, to help each other.
You did not fail to save him Fate failed to save him
Hold on tight to that knowledge, and let yourself take all the time you need to deal with the aftereffects.
We'll be here for you!

Thank-you, that means a lot! Fate, there's no controlling it...I guess we look back on things and kid ourselves into thinking we can/could have changed things.
Human nature is to torture ourselves I guess.
I'm still moving through it, staying busy with writing, posted an Excerpt here yesterday of a story I'll be publishing soon.
In a little bit I'll publish an Excerpt here from Tyrant Star Book One (Star Wars for Adults) .

The one thing that really makes me furious with the universe is that James was SO looking fwd to The Book of Boba Fett and didn't get a chance to see any of it. He lived and breathed Star Wars, he enjoyed Tyrant Star and I'll always cherish that amongst other memories regarding him.

Time keeps passing, and I keep moving across the wastelands of grief...I'll reach the other side and exit them, in time. I can keep his memory alive, honor his love and appreciation for Star wars, it's a small thing, but it helps make me feel less powerless in the face of this...because I can still DO something for him, something I know he'd like and appreciate.

[groomleader]

Thank-you, that means a lot! Fate, there's no controlling it...I guess we look back on things and kid ourselves into thinking we can/could have changed things.
Human nature is to torture ourselves I guess.
I'm still moving through it, staying busy with writing, posted an Excerpt here yesterday of a story I'll be publishing soon.
In a little bit I'll publish an Excerpt here from Tyrant Star Book One (Star Wars for Adults) .

The one thing that really makes me furious with the universe is that James was SO looking fwd to The Book of Boba Fett and didn't get a chance to see any of it. He lived and breathed Star Wars, he enjoyed Tyrant Star and I'll always cherish that amongst other memories regarding him.

Time keeps passing, and I keep moving across the wastelands of grief...I'll reach the other side and exit them, in time. I can keep his memory alive, honor his love and appreciation for Star wars, it's a small thing, but it helps make me feel less powerless in the face of this...because I can still DO something for him, something I know he'd like and appreciate.

Thta's the best way to honor his memory, is to do something that you know he loved, and excel at it. Keep him alive in your mind.

[Marlene38EE]

Thta's the best way to honor his memory, is to do something that you know he loved, and excel at it. Keep him alive in your mind.

Great minds think alike, Groomleader. Thank-you and that's exactly what I'm doing. I found my way out of the wastelands.
James saved Tyrant Star from annihilation, he also loved an idea I have in-development for a world Inspired-by (but NOT based on) Moonbay City...we both loved the art, loved one of the characters in that show and loathed the stupidity in the writing.
And the piece I'm editing right now is the first work in another realm of min her liked.

All three of these universes will be permanently dedicated to him. Wrote it up last night and it's long-but-short-enough and says everything...it's a good Memorial for the dedication page.
I know he'd love the idea that sometime, in some distant age, someone will read one of my books, find the dedication to him and for a moment wonder who he was and thus be remembered even by an absolute stranger.

There's nothing more I can do...but this is enough to bring me peace and allow me to finish crossing the wastelands of grief.
...and wherever James is, I hope he knows that his worst fear--being forgotten--will never come to pass.

Thank-you Groomleader for helping me through this. I'm Not Good with losing people suddenly, I have NO real experience apart from losing my parents the same way.
Yeah, I'm through the wastelands now...reached the other side. Time to finish things up and get them on the shelves. :bee:
BTW I posted an excerpt from the story I'm editing right now, sex scene with an Unusual type of toy involved. :star:

[niteowluk2003]

I realize I have not been here in quite some time, and that my departure occured in bad spirits. Foolish choices were made by me in whom to trust...I can only offer my sincerest apologies.
I ask only that the apology be accepted, or at least considered...I don't ask for forgiveness. The mistake was mine, I regret it and am so very sorry for all that I hurt.

However the main point I am here is due to the passing of a former member some of you I hope will remember kindly and fondly before the big blow-up.
James (Kaidman's real name) was struck and killed by a car on Dec 26th 2021. I only learned of it now after worrying for many days in not hearing from him as we always chatted in the evenings. I am sorry if this is disjointed, trying to type while crying...
James was the most Loyal and Best of friends anyone could ever be lucky enough to have. I saw him as a Brother, and he regarded me as a Sister. We were very close, despite being only Online Friends. But there were many times he proved through significant effort and helping me the truth of his heart and character.

I don't know if I'll be returning here in any significant way...I don't know if I'm welcome. But, I felt that anyone here who might still have also remained in contact with him and/or friends with James should know what has occurred.

http://www.sexstoriespost.com/forums/members/46456-kaidman/ I have to be honest and say I do not remember Kaidman but I still offer my deepest condolences to you on losing such a dear friend. You have always be welcome on this and it's sister sites as far as I am aware, Just wish it could be under better circumstances. It is totally tragic when a good soul is lost in what must seem unnecessary ways. My heart goes out to you at this time. Remember thou, no one is truly lost whilst someone keeps a space in their heart for them.

[Marlene38EE]

I have to be honest and say I do not remember Kaidman but I still offer my deepest condolences to you on losing such a dear friend. You have always be welcome on this and it's sister sites as far as I am aware, Just wish it could be under better circumstances. It is totally tragic when a good soul is lost in what must seem unnecessary ways. My heart goes out to you at this time. Remember thou, no one is truly lost whilst someone keeps a space in their heart for them.

niteowluk2003, Thank-you for those very kind and thoughtful words!!
I appreciate them and the condolences very much, especially what you said at the end about 'no one is truly lost'. I mentioned in previous posts I'll be dedicating some entire literary Universes to him, so we are of Like-Minds on that point.
Thank-you for the Welcome Back, and yes I wish it were under better circumstances...but I'm back, and have carried-through on the intent James 'Kaidman' and I had so at least there's that. James had been a member here since 2008, a member for 3 years before I ever knew SSP existed so I felt it especially important to carry through on our intent to return as SSP did always meant a lot to him.
Time moves, grief fades, we move on as Life doesn't ever stop. Memories are what we carry on with us and the legacies of those we love and have to wait to see again across the Veil.

Thank-you again, everyone!
((HUG))

[Marlene38EE]

James's Obituary.

https://tmp.dignitymemorial.com/en-ca/obituaries/long-beach-ca/james-branzuela-10523613

It has a beautiful statement done by his family, lots of pics and some videos.
It's a very nicely done work, and will tell you a considerable amount about the person taken from us and his life.

For me, it closes-the-door. In finding it, reading it, now I can finally move-on.
Life never stops.

[groomleader]

James's Obituary.

https://tmp.dignitymemorial.com/en-ca/obituaries/long-beach-ca/james-branzuela-10523613

It has a beautiful statement done by his family, lots of pics and some videos.
It's a very nicely done work, and will tell you a considerable amount about the person taken from us and his life.

For me, it closes-the-door. In finding it, reading it, now I can finally move-on.
Life never stops.

A very moving statement and it saddens me that such a one is taken from our midst.
Time and tide wait for no one, and it will either leave us behind, or we must grab on to the handholds, and go along for the ride to the future.

[Marlene38EE]

A very moving statement and it saddens me that such a one is taken from our midst.
Time and tide wait for no one, and it will either leave us behind, or we must grab on to the handholds, and go along for the ride to the future.

Agreed, and I'm glad I found it.
...it showed lots of pictures of his life, his family and showed how very loved he was...and gave me a sense of; 'Ok, it's alright to let go now'.
I miss him, and I hold onto the idea, the feeling, the belief we'll meet again...so I'm looking Forward as I prep the engines and move-onward.

224340

Life cannot stop for the dead...otherwise it would not exist.

Thank-you, Groomleader, for the support and kind words through this time. ((HUG))