drlauren
05-20-2012, 01:25 AM
Personal Ad Dictionary - Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personals Ads
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurer = Slept with all your friends
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated = Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat ballbuster
Free spirit. = Junkie
Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Certified Bitch
Redhead = Bad dye-job
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Social = Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height = Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = talker
Widow = Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart = Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic = Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Free Spirit = Banging your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking = = Arrogant
Very good looking = Dumb as a board
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Mature = Older than your father
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit = Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet = Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive = Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive = Gay
Spiritual = Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable = Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful = Says "Excuse me" when he farts
DATING WOMEN
CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
Life and Maths / Man and Woman
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is RHYTHMICALLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
roflmo
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurer = Slept with all your friends
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated = Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat ballbuster
Free spirit. = Junkie
Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Certified Bitch
Redhead = Bad dye-job
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Social = Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height = Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = talker
Widow = Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart = Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic = Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Free Spirit = Banging your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking = = Arrogant
Very good looking = Dumb as a board
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Mature = Older than your father
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit = Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet = Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive = Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive = Gay
Spiritual = Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable = Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful = Says "Excuse me" when he farts
DATING WOMEN
CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
Life and Maths / Man and Woman
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is RHYTHMICALLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
roflmo