drlauren
04-19-2012, 11:19 PM
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
“Ouch!! What was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came too, he asked, “Now what the hell was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse called”.
----
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies: “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,” Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.”
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ”
“Just one minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we look at results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”
--------
It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. The man sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in front of him.
Satan walked right up to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?
The man replied, “Yes, I sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“No, sure ain’t.” said the old gentleman.
“Do you know I can kill you with a single word?”, asked Satan.
“I don’t doubt it for a minute,” replied the old man, in an even tone.
“Don’t you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yes,” was the calm reply.
“And yet you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” replied the man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well then, why aren’t you afraid of me”?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 52 years.”
-----
A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”
“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”
“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.
“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”
“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!
Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”
“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.
The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.
As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.
When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”
“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.
“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”
-------
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.
“You know” she said, “We were sitting in this very kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”
“Yep” he said, “But we were probably naked.”
“So let’s get naked now!” she suggested.
So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.
“You know” she said with a horny grin “My boobs feel just as hot for you today as they felt 50 years ago.”
He replied “I’m sure they do. One is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal!”
-------
A beautiful blonde woman stepped onto an airplane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The stewardess proceeded to go around checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the blonde woman she noticed that it was for coach seating, not first class.
She tells the woman, “You’re ticket says coach and we have a full flight today. I’m going to have to ask you to move.”
To which the blonde woman replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”
Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the blonde woman that she must move.
Again, the blonde replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”
Also confused, they go get the captain of the plane. He tells the blonde woman that she must move.
The blonde starts to say, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m…” when the captain interrupts and asks, “Can I whisper something in your ear?”
“Sure.” she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear.
Suddenly the blonde woman gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face.
The flight attendants are startled. “How did you get her to move?”
The captain said, “I told her that first class isn’t going to L.A.”
“Ouch!! What was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came too, he asked, “Now what the hell was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse called”.
----
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies: “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,” Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.”
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ”
“Just one minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we look at results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”
--------
It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. The man sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in front of him.
Satan walked right up to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?
The man replied, “Yes, I sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“No, sure ain’t.” said the old gentleman.
“Do you know I can kill you with a single word?”, asked Satan.
“I don’t doubt it for a minute,” replied the old man, in an even tone.
“Don’t you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yes,” was the calm reply.
“And yet you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” replied the man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well then, why aren’t you afraid of me”?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 52 years.”
-----
A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”
“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”
“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.
“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”
“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!
Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”
“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.
The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.
As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.
When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”
“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.
“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”
-------
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.
“You know” she said, “We were sitting in this very kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”
“Yep” he said, “But we were probably naked.”
“So let’s get naked now!” she suggested.
So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.
“You know” she said with a horny grin “My boobs feel just as hot for you today as they felt 50 years ago.”
He replied “I’m sure they do. One is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal!”
-------
A beautiful blonde woman stepped onto an airplane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The stewardess proceeded to go around checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the blonde woman she noticed that it was for coach seating, not first class.
She tells the woman, “You’re ticket says coach and we have a full flight today. I’m going to have to ask you to move.”
To which the blonde woman replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”
Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the blonde woman that she must move.
Again, the blonde replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”
Also confused, they go get the captain of the plane. He tells the blonde woman that she must move.
The blonde starts to say, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m…” when the captain interrupts and asks, “Can I whisper something in your ear?”
“Sure.” she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear.
Suddenly the blonde woman gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face.
The flight attendants are startled. “How did you get her to move?”
The captain said, “I told her that first class isn’t going to L.A.”