happyinbama2009
01-17-2012, 10:59 PM
This came to me in the car today. It is supposed to be comical. I don't think there will literally be "sex" in it, but it's a story about a guy and an alien who decide to try to help each other get laid....so I thought it was appropriate for the forum. I hope you enjoy it. If you think it's stupid, please tell me....
--
Chapter 1 - Abduction Introduction
This shit is fucken awesome! I'm so high, this is was great. Tommy? Where are you man? You takin a piss? Tommy?
"What are you fucken deaf?" Tommy screamed, "you want me to fucken piss on you would that make you feal better?? da'fuuuuuck?" Tommy moaned.
Da'fuuuck yoursef man, There's mountains'n shit here. I just don't know if i can make my way back. I aint fallin off dis shit....fuck, your fucking milwaukees best. You got the high class greenage, why couldnt you splurge for some good beer man, fuck. I love that bud lime shit man, you think they got limes out here man? We're in the fucken forest, they gotta have that shit, maybe it'll make it better."
Fuck it, man we gotta get fucken back, I gotta get..I want, I gotta fuck Melissa man, she's so fucken hot.
"She aint that great," said Tommy.
Da'fuuuck, fuck you man, she's fucken hot. Her boobs are fucken huge man, I wanna...fu... motor board that shit. That's what I love about beer, and this fucken greenage, the more you puff, the skinnier they get, n'the bigger tits there get.
"You're fucken wasted man," Tommy snarled. "She's fat."
She..fuck..she'aint fat man, she's fucken, she'got a big ass, yeah, but I'd fucken, eaht. I'd live in that fucken ass, man I'd eat her ass every day.
Tommy? Where are you man? Tommy? TOOMMMEEEE????
Where the fuck is he?
Quit shining that fucken light on me. Where is that shit comen from?
I look at the sky and i see light, I love the beautiful light.
Oh fucken psychadelic man..........I'm fucken flying, on the wings of love! belive it or not I'm walking on air!
---
"Oh my fucking head" I said to myself. It was black and dark. I couldn't see my fingers, nor my hand. I heard vibrations and I felt like I was not moving, but not really.
'remain calm' I heard a soft voice whisper to me. It was weird, it sounded like it was far away but I could hear it.
"Don't listen to it!" A voice panicked.
"Who the fuck is that?" I screamed.
"They're coming for you!" The voice spoke.
'remain calm, and you will not be harmed' the whisper spoke again.
"No!" The voice screamed. "They'll take you! They'll hurt you!"
"Are you a fucken fag man?" I hollered, I was confused. Suddenly I heard a snap/hiss, just like a light saber.
"Oh!" I screamed "That was fucken darth maul's light saber man! Fuck, I'm on the fucken dark side. Oh fuck, I cant believe I'm still stoned, and fucken drunk!"
"NOOO!" I heard the voice scream. "NOOOOO, not my ass please, not my ass again!"
"I knew it!" I started dancing in the darkness. "He's a fucken fag! Da'fuuuck"
I heard another snap, hiss and the screaming stopped.
Then I heard a voice speak...
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING" it ordered.
"Who the fuck is that?" I screamed.
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING AND NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU" it ordered.
"Who the fuck you think you are?"
"THE MORE QUESTIONS YOU ASK, THE MORE IT WILL HURT" it spoke.
"You know what you sound like?" I asked.
"... ... "
"... ... WHAT DO I SOUND LIKE?" The voice replied.
"You sound like that voice people make...like when they get an email written in all caps, like a fucken computer mono-tone voice man, that's what you sound like, fucken lighten up dude, smoke some weed, lets get to know each other man! Da'fuuuck"
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING AND NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU" the voice ordered.
"And you know what's weird man? Its not like your talking but its like I can hear you in my head man, its fucken weird...da'fuuuck?"
"Hey, How would you even know if i took my clothes off man, it's fucken pitch black in here?"
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING AND NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU" the voice ordered.
"And what would you do if I didnt?"
I heard another snap hiss, and a distant light shown a shadow on the wall. The outline appeared to be a man lying on a bed. Suddenly the outline of a long tube appeared, only to be shoved right up his ass.
"NOOOOO! My ass, please! I'll do anything! Why does it hurt like this!" the other voice screamed.
"All right, I'll do it man, I'm taking my fucken clothes off. But look man, can I get some fucken weed man? Help me out, you know, I scratch your back you scratch mine?"
"Hello?"
Not sure if the voice understood, I figured I'd better take my clothes off.
"I'm fucken naked now man, you happy....da'fuuuck"
Suddenly a light appeared in front of me and 4 or 5 joints fell to the floor.
"Oh fucken-a! Fuck yeah man! Listen, just dont tell my friends man, but if you wanna fuck me up the ass thats fine dude."
I grabbed the joint and sniffed it, "Oh fuck, you and like...I'll take a fucken gang bang for this shit man, fuck!"
"Hey," I said, "Hey wait, you got a lighter man? How do I lite this shit?"
"PUT THE CANNABIS WRAP IN YOUR MOUTH" the voice ordered.
"All right dude, its there." Suddenly the tip of the joint turned light orange and I was able to inhale.
"That is fucken awesome man, how'd you do that, what the fuck are you man?"
I heard another snap hiss. I heard what sounded like a bunch of feet stomping and dragging itself towards me. Nervous, I inhaled once again. "This is a public doobie man, chill out dude, I'm passing it."
Suddenly a light turned on and shown a hideous beast being standing about 3 feet in front of me. It was not of this world. I could not describe it, only that it stood perhaps a foot taller then me, around 7 feet high. It was green with a typical "alien" head.
"Dude" I shouted, "You aint gonna get laid any time soon in that costume man. Take a hit dude, and dont look in a mirror any time soon."
"I AM UNABLE TO SMOKE YOUR JOINT" the creature spoke.
"Where's your fucken mouth man?"
"This shits gettin on my nerves man, it's like your in my fucken head, why cant you speak, who the fuck are you man, da'fuuuck?"
"MY NAME IS GORTEK, I AM MASTER AND COMMANDER OF AN ELITE GROUP OF SCHMUCKTORLIANS FROM THE XTRANULA SECTOR..."
"Fucken wait man...did you just call yourself a schmuck?"
"YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR DOES NOT COMPUTE"
"It aint me, it's you dude, you're the one who called yourself a schmuck, I aint even gonna touch the master bullshit..."
Suddenly, I heard another snap hiss....
"No my ass, I've lost so much blood, please!" the man screamed in terror, and I quickly backed off..."At's cool man, look, whatever you wanna call yourself, it's fine."
"AS I WAS SAYING, I LEAD AN ELITE GROUP OF S-M-U-C-K TORLIANS."
"OUR PLANET IS APPROXIMATELY 58 MILLION MILES FROM PLANET EARTH..."
"Don't you get tired on a trip like that man?"
"PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT ME...OUR MISSION IS TO STUDY YOUR PLANETS REPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIORS AMONG THE MOST ELITE CREATURES, SPECIFICALLY THE HUMANS..."
"Bingo!" I yelled with excitement.
"Where's those doobies at man? Send them in here with some blondes, nice big tits too man, and some curvy asses!"
"Make sure you cast a spell on them, and get them all horny for each other too...Listen, you got some kind of magic in there? You think you can make my dick bigger?"
--
Chapter 1 - Abduction Introduction
This shit is fucken awesome! I'm so high, this is was great. Tommy? Where are you man? You takin a piss? Tommy?
"What are you fucken deaf?" Tommy screamed, "you want me to fucken piss on you would that make you feal better?? da'fuuuuuck?" Tommy moaned.
Da'fuuuck yoursef man, There's mountains'n shit here. I just don't know if i can make my way back. I aint fallin off dis shit....fuck, your fucking milwaukees best. You got the high class greenage, why couldnt you splurge for some good beer man, fuck. I love that bud lime shit man, you think they got limes out here man? We're in the fucken forest, they gotta have that shit, maybe it'll make it better."
Fuck it, man we gotta get fucken back, I gotta get..I want, I gotta fuck Melissa man, she's so fucken hot.
"She aint that great," said Tommy.
Da'fuuuck, fuck you man, she's fucken hot. Her boobs are fucken huge man, I wanna...fu... motor board that shit. That's what I love about beer, and this fucken greenage, the more you puff, the skinnier they get, n'the bigger tits there get.
"You're fucken wasted man," Tommy snarled. "She's fat."
She..fuck..she'aint fat man, she's fucken, she'got a big ass, yeah, but I'd fucken, eaht. I'd live in that fucken ass, man I'd eat her ass every day.
Tommy? Where are you man? Tommy? TOOMMMEEEE????
Where the fuck is he?
Quit shining that fucken light on me. Where is that shit comen from?
I look at the sky and i see light, I love the beautiful light.
Oh fucken psychadelic man..........I'm fucken flying, on the wings of love! belive it or not I'm walking on air!
---
"Oh my fucking head" I said to myself. It was black and dark. I couldn't see my fingers, nor my hand. I heard vibrations and I felt like I was not moving, but not really.
'remain calm' I heard a soft voice whisper to me. It was weird, it sounded like it was far away but I could hear it.
"Don't listen to it!" A voice panicked.
"Who the fuck is that?" I screamed.
"They're coming for you!" The voice spoke.
'remain calm, and you will not be harmed' the whisper spoke again.
"No!" The voice screamed. "They'll take you! They'll hurt you!"
"Are you a fucken fag man?" I hollered, I was confused. Suddenly I heard a snap/hiss, just like a light saber.
"Oh!" I screamed "That was fucken darth maul's light saber man! Fuck, I'm on the fucken dark side. Oh fuck, I cant believe I'm still stoned, and fucken drunk!"
"NOOO!" I heard the voice scream. "NOOOOO, not my ass please, not my ass again!"
"I knew it!" I started dancing in the darkness. "He's a fucken fag! Da'fuuuck"
I heard another snap, hiss and the screaming stopped.
Then I heard a voice speak...
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING" it ordered.
"Who the fuck is that?" I screamed.
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING AND NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU" it ordered.
"Who the fuck you think you are?"
"THE MORE QUESTIONS YOU ASK, THE MORE IT WILL HURT" it spoke.
"You know what you sound like?" I asked.
"... ... "
"... ... WHAT DO I SOUND LIKE?" The voice replied.
"You sound like that voice people make...like when they get an email written in all caps, like a fucken computer mono-tone voice man, that's what you sound like, fucken lighten up dude, smoke some weed, lets get to know each other man! Da'fuuuck"
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING AND NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU" the voice ordered.
"And you know what's weird man? Its not like your talking but its like I can hear you in my head man, its fucken weird...da'fuuuck?"
"Hey, How would you even know if i took my clothes off man, it's fucken pitch black in here?"
"REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING AND NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU" the voice ordered.
"And what would you do if I didnt?"
I heard another snap hiss, and a distant light shown a shadow on the wall. The outline appeared to be a man lying on a bed. Suddenly the outline of a long tube appeared, only to be shoved right up his ass.
"NOOOOO! My ass, please! I'll do anything! Why does it hurt like this!" the other voice screamed.
"All right, I'll do it man, I'm taking my fucken clothes off. But look man, can I get some fucken weed man? Help me out, you know, I scratch your back you scratch mine?"
"Hello?"
Not sure if the voice understood, I figured I'd better take my clothes off.
"I'm fucken naked now man, you happy....da'fuuuck"
Suddenly a light appeared in front of me and 4 or 5 joints fell to the floor.
"Oh fucken-a! Fuck yeah man! Listen, just dont tell my friends man, but if you wanna fuck me up the ass thats fine dude."
I grabbed the joint and sniffed it, "Oh fuck, you and like...I'll take a fucken gang bang for this shit man, fuck!"
"Hey," I said, "Hey wait, you got a lighter man? How do I lite this shit?"
"PUT THE CANNABIS WRAP IN YOUR MOUTH" the voice ordered.
"All right dude, its there." Suddenly the tip of the joint turned light orange and I was able to inhale.
"That is fucken awesome man, how'd you do that, what the fuck are you man?"
I heard another snap hiss. I heard what sounded like a bunch of feet stomping and dragging itself towards me. Nervous, I inhaled once again. "This is a public doobie man, chill out dude, I'm passing it."
Suddenly a light turned on and shown a hideous beast being standing about 3 feet in front of me. It was not of this world. I could not describe it, only that it stood perhaps a foot taller then me, around 7 feet high. It was green with a typical "alien" head.
"Dude" I shouted, "You aint gonna get laid any time soon in that costume man. Take a hit dude, and dont look in a mirror any time soon."
"I AM UNABLE TO SMOKE YOUR JOINT" the creature spoke.
"Where's your fucken mouth man?"
"This shits gettin on my nerves man, it's like your in my fucken head, why cant you speak, who the fuck are you man, da'fuuuck?"
"MY NAME IS GORTEK, I AM MASTER AND COMMANDER OF AN ELITE GROUP OF SCHMUCKTORLIANS FROM THE XTRANULA SECTOR..."
"Fucken wait man...did you just call yourself a schmuck?"
"YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR DOES NOT COMPUTE"
"It aint me, it's you dude, you're the one who called yourself a schmuck, I aint even gonna touch the master bullshit..."
Suddenly, I heard another snap hiss....
"No my ass, I've lost so much blood, please!" the man screamed in terror, and I quickly backed off..."At's cool man, look, whatever you wanna call yourself, it's fine."
"AS I WAS SAYING, I LEAD AN ELITE GROUP OF S-M-U-C-K TORLIANS."
"OUR PLANET IS APPROXIMATELY 58 MILLION MILES FROM PLANET EARTH..."
"Don't you get tired on a trip like that man?"
"PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT ME...OUR MISSION IS TO STUDY YOUR PLANETS REPRODUCTIVE BEHAVIORS AMONG THE MOST ELITE CREATURES, SPECIFICALLY THE HUMANS..."
"Bingo!" I yelled with excitement.
"Where's those doobies at man? Send them in here with some blondes, nice big tits too man, and some curvy asses!"
"Make sure you cast a spell on them, and get them all horny for each other too...Listen, you got some kind of magic in there? You think you can make my dick bigger?"